What a Father Wants for Father’s Day

Eph 6:1-4

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 "Honor your father and mother" — this is the first commandment with a promise: 3 "so that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth."

4 And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

NRSV

2 Cor 6:3-8a

3 We are putting no obstacle in anyone's way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, 4 but as servants of God we have commended ourselves in every way: through great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, 5 beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; 6 by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, holiness of spirit, genuine love, 7 truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; 8 in honor and dishonor, in ill repute and good repute.

NRSV

If you heard my Mother’s Day sermon, you may remember that I started that one with a checklist for mothers. “You may be a mother if…”

Well, I’d like to do the same for fathers.

You fathers and grandfathers out there: see if you can relate to any of the following:

1—A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.

2—A father is one who realizes that his father was right, just about the time his own son thinks he’s wrong.

3—A father is one whose daughter marries a man who is vastly inferior intellectually, but then gives birth to unbelievably brilliant grandchildren.

But it’s here my “checklist” ends.

There’s so much more material on motherhood out there than fatherhood. It’s as if it’s the mothers are the real glue holding together families, with fathers seen as helping with the bills, or serving as an additional child for the mother to manage.

It is easier to find material on the strengths of motherhood, and it is easier to find material on the weaknesses of fatherhood. Whereas the stereotype of a mother is that of love and gentleness, the stereotype of a father is quick to judge and discipline.

A father passes his son’s bedroom. He’s astonished to see the bed nicely made, and everything picked up. Then, he sees an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It’s addressed, “Dad.” Feeling a bit queasy in the stomach, he opens the envelope and reads the letter:

“Dear, Dad. It is with great regret that I’m writing you. I have eloped with my new girlfriend, Stacy, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. Stacy is nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of her piercings, and tattoos, and because she is so much older than I am…She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many, many children. She’s also opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone, and we’ll be growing it for ourselves…

“Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

“Love, your son, John.

“P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report card that’s on my desk. Call when it is safe for me to come home.”

It’s a shame to think of dads in terms of such stereotypes. It’s a cinch that Jesus thought of his “Father” in more positive terms—as close as a child could be to a parent, was Jesus to his Father—no distance there, no need to write a letter and wait for Dad to cool off.

So today, I want to “blow up” [a good manly term to use] this stereotype of fatherhood. I want to create a “gift list” for fathers—things that good fathers really want, really ask for. If you look at catalogues from Radio Shack or Best Buy or Sports Authority, you know what they say fathers want. But Paul says fathers want something else. I’ve adapted what he said in today’s passage from 2 Corinthians. I’ve come up with a gift list of eight things. I’ll go through each one briefly. You may want to jot them down on the sermon notes.

Here goes.

A FATHER WANTS…

1—…To have a clean heart. [“purity”]

Fathers, at home do you model the same behavior you have at church? Do you use the same language? What jokes do you tell? What do you say about other people? What do you watch on TV? How do you deal with conflict? You know as well as I that our children are watching us—and they’re learning just as much from our lifestyle as from what we tell them is right and wrong.

It’s amazing—our children can spot a hypocrite a mile away. We won’t have anything to worry about if we strive to have a clean heart.

What does a father want? 

2—…To understand his child before judging. [“knowledge”]

A two year old was absent-mindedly drawing in ink on the first page of his father’s brand new hymnal. The father, a pastor, comes into the room. The little boy looks up, and senses that the end is near.

The father looks down, pauses, then picks up the hymnal and pen and starts writing beside his son’s scribbles,

“John’s words, 1959, age 2. How many times have I looked into your beautiful face and into your warm, alert eyes looking up at me, and thanked God for the one who has now scribbled in my new hymnal? You have made this book sacred.”

The boy’s older brother saw this, and remembered this for the rest of his life. He said that his father taught him that tolerance, understanding, and love are what’s important. And when he remembers that, he says, “Thank you, Dad.”

What does a father want?

3—…To be marvelously patient. [“patient”]

Last year I took my son to the Riverside Golf Course to play the par three. Cameron hadn’t played much, so I told him just to relax, have fun. And he did. But every so often I’d get a little frustrated, and say, “Hold the club like this,” or “Stand like this.” After about the fourth time I did this, Cam looks up at me and says, “I thought you said I was supposed to have fun.”

He caught me being too serious again. He caught me being too concerned with the “right” way of doing it. He caught me being overly efficient.

And he taught me—once again—that a father is to be marvelously patient.

What does a father want?

4—To make his child happy with surprises. [“kindness”]

As a young child, I couldn’t wait for Dad to get home from work. It wasn’t just because I’d run to him and hug him and want a horsie ride. It was because, every day before coming home, he’d stop by Woolworth’s and buy me some toy or trinket. I can’t remember any of what he brought me, but I always remember the feeling of excitement as he’d reach into his overcoat and pull out whatever it was he’d bought for a dime or a quarter.

It strikes me now that what was neat about that wasn’t what Dad got me. What was neat was that he remembered me, and wanted to make me happy, if but for just a moment. He wanted to see my wide eyes and big smile; he wanted to hear my giggle and laugh.

Sort of makes me re-think things when my little girl asks, while passing one of those trinket machines, “Can I have a quarter, Daddy?”

What does a father want?

5—…To admit mistakes, and ask forgiveness. [“holiness of spirit”]

The comedian Bill Cosby always joked about his father having a God complex. He said his dad had a simple statement he’d make anytime Bill did something wrong. His dad would say, “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!”

If that’s true, then Bill’s dad never said he was sorry to his son. Never said he’d messed up. Never asked for forgiveness.

It’s hard to do. From time to time I’ve apologized to Cameron and Emma for boneheaded things I’ve done or said. It’s not easy, and I’m sure I haven’t done it as often as I should have. But I have a hope—a hunch—that because I’ve said “I’m sorry,” they’ll be able to listen to me when I have something else to say later. Know what I mean?

What does a father want?

6—…To put his child’s needs before his own. [“genuine love”]

A father had been obsessed with building a beautiful dream home for his family. The project got out of hand, and to finish it meant spending an exorbitant amount of time and energy away from the family. He made a hard decision and quit the project. His words:

What really matters is not that I provide my children the ideal house, the perfect playroom, even woods and rivers. They need ME.

Recently, I drove back to my dream home. Prisms of sunlight shone through its 52 windows and, yes, it has a beautiful site. But I wasn't troubled anymore, and I know why. As I returned home to take the kids on a promised picnic, all three ran out. My two year old son squealed, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!" And I had time to play.

What does a father want?

7—…To have open, honest conversations. [“truthful speech”]

How often does a father say to his child, “You can ask me about anything…”? And how often does the father secretly say to himself, “…but please don’t!” It’s much easier hiding behind the illusion that everything’s OK. It’s easier believing that problems can be solved as easily as they are on a 30 minute TV sitcom. That way we can get on with more important things—jobs, hobbies, money, you know.

But a dad opens the door for conversations with his child, without knowing what in the world will walk through that door. Sex. Drugs. Relationships. Jobs. School.

What does a father want?

8—…To praise and worship God. [“power of God”]

In my life as a pastor, I’ve noticed something interesting. When only one parent attends church and takes the kids, 9 times out of 10 it’s usually the mother. Sunday morning is the best time to do fun stuff, without the wife or kids, right? My guess is that if there are prayer or devotion times at home, it’s the mom who initiates them, as well.

Fathers should well hear the wisdom in this saying: “Children are not likely to find a father in God, unless they find something of God in their fathers.”  
[Austin L. Sorenson]

Well, dads, what do you think of this list?

Which of these do you think you already have? Which of these would your child say you already have?

Use this gift list to celebrate what God’s given you already in parenting. Use it also to ask for the gift that you really need. Every one of us can improve in some of these areas.

When a father saw that his young son had accidentally mowed down a flowerbed, his wife said something that was on the same level as St. Paul. She said:

REMEMBER, WE'RE RAISING CHILDREN, NOT FLOWERS!

Dads are in the business of raising children—and children are, indeed, infinitely more beautiful than flowers!