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A Lesson In Conflict Resolution

A Father's Day Story

June 18, 2006

When I remember you in my prayers, I always thank my God 5 because I hear of your love for all the saints and your faith toward the Lord Jesus. 6 I pray that the sharing of your faith may become effective when you perceive all the good that we may do for Christ. 7 I have indeed received much joy and encouragement from your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you, my brother.  

8 For this reason, though I am bold enough in Christ to command you to do your duty, 9 yet I would rather appeal to you on the basis of love — and I, Paul, do this as an old man, and now also as a prisoner of Christ Jesus.   10 I am appealing to you for my child, Onesimus, whose father I have become during my imprisonment. 11 Formerly he was useless to you, but now he is indeed useful both to you and to me. 12 I am sending him, that is, my own heart, back to you. 13 I wanted to keep him with me, so that he might be of service to me in your place during my imprisonment for the gospel; 14 but I preferred to do nothing without your consent, in order that your good deed might be voluntary and not something forced. 15 Perhaps this is the reason he was separated from you for a while, so that you might have him back forever, 16 no longer as a slave but more than a slave, a beloved brother — especially to me but how much more to you, both in the flesh and in the Lord.  

17 So if you consider me your partner, welcome him as you would welcome me.

NRSV 

      Imagine you’re taking your family to the beach. From St. Louis, the closest beach is several hundred miles away.

      So you’re in your mini-van driving. You’re ten minutes into the trip when you hear, from the back seat, “Get back on your side.” “I am on my side!” “Am not!” “Are too!” And from the front seat, a patient voice responds, “KIDS!”

      For five minutes, quiet.

      Then, “Stop looking at me!” “I’m not looking at you!” “Are too!” “Am not!” “KIDS!”

      You look at the odometer, and you see you’ve only about 597 miles to go.

      Well, as a father, I pride myself in good conflict resolution skills. On this Father’s Day, would you like to know my secret?

      My secret is this: A portable DVD player. Just hang this between the seats in the van and pop in a DVD. Presto! Conflicts from the back are resolved.

They call this a DVD player, but it should be called a child tranquilizer. You can glance back and see its effects. Then, after 18 hours and you arrive at your destination, the children pop out of their coma, refreshed and smiling. And so are you.

      “Thank you, Lord!”

      Wouldn’t it be nice if all conflicts between people could be resolved so easily?

      Wouldn’t it be nice to put portable DVD’s on the street corners in Baghdad, or in the marketplaces in the Gaza Strip?

      Wouldn’t it be nice to put portable DVD’s in your office, or living room, or classroom?

      But life doesn’t work this way. Shrapnel from hurts, and imagined hurts, cut deep. Sometimes the wounds turn mortal, and relationships bleed and die. And there is no electronic gizmo that can resolve things.

      Such could have been the case between Philemon and Onesimus. In the Greek culture of that time, a slaveowner had absolute power over a slave. Since the slave was property and had no rights, a runaway slave—someone who was now useless to the master—could be disposed of just as many of us disposed of things at the last church garage sale.

      But Paul intervenes, and he does an amazing job of it. He has the two get together and work things out. I like that. Sometimes people will come to me with an angry complaint—“I have a problem with this person” or “This person did such and such a thing.” After listening, my response most of the time is, “Good. Now, what are you going to do about it?” Don’t put me in the middle. You work it with the other person—don’t expect me or anyone else to do it for you.

      And that’s what Paul is doing. Putting together two people who have a conflict with each other, and having them work things out. But he gives them guidelines for how to do this. Specifically, he gives them four strategies. I’m going to briefly go over them with you. As I do so, see if you can’t relate them to real-life conflicts you may have had—or still have—with another person. You might want to use the sermon notes sheet for your reflections—and to review them before you actually deal with a difficult situation.

      Here’s the first one.

…1^st—Affirm the character of the people involved.

      See the best in the person.

“[Philemon,] I have indeed received much joy and encouragement from your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you, my brother.”

“I am appealing to you for my child, Onesimus, whose father I have become during my imprisonment.”

      It’s so easy in an argument, isn’t it, to see just the negative in another person. The person you’re angry with is suddenly a short-sighted, evil-tempered, dim-witted, self-centered so-and-so. You say to yourself, “If this person weren’t just so stubborn. If they could just see things as I see things. If they could be more like me—patient, kind, generous, compassionate, understanding…”

      Right.

      Something I say to couples in pre-marital counseling is this: “When you argue with your spouse, in the midst of the arguing, pause and remember what’s best in this person you married. Remember their good points. Remember the good things they’ve done.” That puts things in perspective. Another person—spouse or not—isn’t all one way or another. People are a mix. And seeing the best in another person might just help bring out the best.

      That’s a wonderful starting point in resolving a conflict.

      And Paul goes on.

…2^nd—Address the issues with justice.

      Deal clearly with what’s the source of the problem.

      “I am sending him, that is, my own heart, back to you.”

      Onesimus is returning. That was the right thing to do. He could have gone on and been free, but he did not. He admitted that he was wrong, and was returning to face the music, as they say.

      When you’ve had a conflict, and there’s no quick resolution, there’s a tendency to shelve the issue that caused the disagreement. You want to get on with your life, and you’re tired of arguing. Problem is, when you haven’t addressed the issue, the issue has a tendency to come back.

      Probably every married couple has had that experience. You have an argument, and don’t come to resolution. Then, in a month, 6 months, 6 years something happens that brings back the memory of the argument. And you know what follows: “Do you remember when you….” And the old disagreement comes right off the back burner, and spills all over the stove.

      Issues have to be acknowledged. Issues have to be talked out. Issues have to be addressed. You have to commit time and energy. You have to risk and be vulnerable.

      Now, the other person might not respond like this. That’s a shame. But regardless, you as a Christian have the responsibility to deal openly and honestly with the problem.

      Only then can you do the third things Paul advises.

…3^rd—Resolve the issues with compassion.

      There are no winners and losers if you are a Christian.

“I preferred to do nothing without your consent, in order that your good deed might be voluntary and not something forced.”

      Paul is expecting Philemon to do something that Greek society would never do: accept Onesimus back without punishment. Paul is calling upon the slaveowner to imagine what Onesimus is feeling, to empathize, and demonstrate love.

      How different things may be in our lives, in this world, if people were as eager to show compassion as they were to dole out justice.

      Recently, in a move for peace, the Israeli government called for the evacuation of the Gaza strip, so the Palestinians may return. This met with fierce opposition from the Jewish settlers in the region, some who’d lived there for over 20 years. Finally, Israeli soldiers came in and forced the men, women, and children out of their homes.

      There was, of course, cheering from the Palestinians. After all, the “hated enemy was departing from their land.” But some Palestinians were surprised to find tears coming to their eyes as they watched the uprooted settlers on television.

      “Yes, we want them gone,” they said. “But we cannot help but feel their plight. We know what it is like to be driven from your home.”

      --Robert Morris, Weavings, 3-4/06, p. 40

      To be able to feel the other person’s “plight” is a key to resolving conflict.

      How easy it is for us who’ve been wronged to tell the whole world how we’ve been wronged. We focus on OUR feelings, OUR pain. We don’t care as much for what the other person feels. As a matter of fact, we may want that person to hurt just as we’ve been hurt. We don’t want to let them off the hook so easily. Yes, we’ll forgive 7 times 70, Lord Jesus, but not right now. Let’s be sure to make them squirm before we “pardon” them.

      But Jesus never told us to delay in forgiving. We are to forgive others their “trespasses” because we remember that we need forgiveness, too. We might be the “forgiver” today, but tomorrow—or yesterday—we are the “forgiv-ee.” We remember the “plight” of being human—needing forgiveness one day, needing to forgive the next.

      And finally…

…4^th—Preserve each other’s dignity.

      A conflict is an opportunity to let the Kingdom of God shine in.

“Perhaps this is the reason he was separated from you for a while, so that you might have him back forever, no longer as a slave but more than a slave, a beloved brother.”

      Paul is asking Philemon to go beyond life as it is now—as seen in a corrupt, unjust culture—and embrace life in the light of the Gospel. In the Kingdom Christ started, there is neither “slave nor free,” “Jew nor Gentile,” “male nor female.” In the Kingdom, all are ONE in Christ Jesus. In the Kingdom, you don’t see the person as someone who hurt you; rather, you see the person as a child of God, as someone made in the Divine image, as someone worthy of respect and dignity.

      Perhaps of these four principles of conflict resolution, preserving a person’s dignity is the most important.

      A man named Dan Clark tells of a time when he was a teenager, standing with his dad to buy tickets to a circus. The people standing in front of them were a family of a mom, dad, and their eight children. You could tell they were poor, but, as Dan says, “The love and pride of parenthood shone through the way the parents held each other's hand, in anticipation of treating their children to such an event.”

      The lady in the ticket booth asked the father how many tickets. He told her. She told him the price. The father just looked at the woman in disbelief. His wife let go of his hand as her head dropped.

      The father leaned a little closer and asked, "How much did you say?"

      The ticket lady again quoted the price. It was obvious he didn’t have enough money. Now—how was he going to tell his eight kids he couldn’t afford to take them to the circus?

      Dan’s dad saw what was going on. He put his hand in his pocket, pulled out a $20, and dropped it on the ground. He then reached down, picked up the bill, tapped the man on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, sir, this fell out of your pocket."

      The man knew what was going on. In the middle of an embarrassing situation, this stranger was helping him out, helping him look good in front of his children.

      The man looked Dan’s dad straight in the eye, squeezed tightly the hand that was handing him the $20, and whispered, "Thank you, thank you, sir. This really means a lot to me and my family."

      You can imagine the impression this made on Dan.

      “My father and I went back to our car and drove home,” he said. “We didn't go to the circus that night, but we didn't go without.”

      You preserve the dignity of another person, and amazing things can happen.

      Thus, Paul’s lesson in conflict resolution.

      His principles you can’t buy at an electronics store. And when you apply them, you don’t get zoned out kids. You may get renewed, re-energized relationships.

      Here’s how you can remember his principles.

      Such wisdom may come with age. Paul said he was an “old man” writing these things.

      Yet, young or old, it’s never too late to turn a runaway slave into a brother or sister.