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Loneliness

Loneliness

October 22, 2006

1 John 4:18-21

18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love. 19 We love because he first loved us. 20 Those who say, "I love God," and hate their brothers or sisters, are liars; for those who do not love a brother or sister whom they have seen, cannot love God whom they have not seen. 21 The commandment we have from him is this: those who love God must love their brothers and sisters also.

NRSV

Matt 10:34-39

"Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 For I have come to set a man against his father,

and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; 36 and one's foes will be members of one's own household.

37 Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me;  38 and whoever does not take up the cross and follow me is not worthy of me.  39 Those who find their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.

NRSV 

      Barbara and I have three children. You know two of them, Cameron and Emma. You might not know Jessie…

      …The dog.

      Ah yes…a dog.

      We think she’s a greyhound/yellow lab mix…

      …Which means she has more than her share of quirks. For example, she has a delicate digestive system—has to eat the easily digestible, and most expensive, dogfood. She was a stray we got from the Humane Society, so she has a knack for getting into the trash, which we now have to keep under armed guard.

      Her biggest quirk, though, is that she follows you around. Go anywhere, she’s there. Living room—she’s there. Bedroom—she’s there. Bathroom—she’s there. She can’t stand to be left alone, so she’s always following on your heels.

      Once I was going from the bedroom to the living room. I forgot something, turned back around, and tripped over the dog, falling flat on my face. And I hear the compassionate words from one of the other family members:

      “It’s not the dog’s fault!”

      Well, that’s right. It’s not the dog’s fault. The dog is simply doing what dogs do—she’s being a “pack animal.” A tad bit of a neurotic, obsessive-compulsive, trash-loving, digestive-system challenged pack animal, but a pack animal nonetheless. She’s simply staying close to her “kind.”

      Humans are pack animals too, aren’t we?

      We grow up in a tight pack.

      If you don’t believe me, behold the vehicle of choice:

      The mini-van. You could call it the pack-mobile.

      The Pack can move around in this. In it your pack watches DVD’s, plays games, fights with each other, laughs with each other, and leaves McDonald’s fries under the seat.

      Then, as children grow into teenagers and young adults, they abandon mini-vans in favor of sleeker cars. There’s a drive to form a new pack. You’re driven to meet, marry, and mate—so you can extend your pack, and surround yourselves with others, and not be alone.

      If you’re lucky, you’ll never be alone—and there’ll always be someone around, someone with you, and you won’t have to eat out or go to the movies alone.

      This is life, right?

      This is basic humanity, 101.

      And that’s what makes Jesus’ words today so unbelievably harsh.

“I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man's foes will be those of his own household. He who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.”

      How in the world can Jesus say this?

      Especially to US, here. Do you know how many mini-vans are parked outside? Do you know how many “Ask About My Grandchildren” bumper stickers there are?

      WHY does Jesus say this?

      Because Jesus doesn’t want you to end up lonely!

      That certainly doesn’t make sense, does it? How can you be lonely when you’re surrounded by your “pack”? When there’s always hustle and noise and activities?

      Well, you can feel lonely, even if you’re surrounded by people, right? Just because there’s always noise in the house doesn’t mean there’s always warmth in your soul—doesn’t mean you feel understood, and connected, and loved totally and unconditionally. Hustle and noise and activities can be a distraction, a deflection, from dealing with important issues.

      And even if your pack is “perfect,” never had a problem in the world—if each day is a rerun of “Father Knows Best” or “The Cosby Show”—remember that your pack is human. There will be changes, there will be challenges, and there will be, ultimately, death.

      Loneliness IS a fact of life.

      And Jesus, in this passage, is saying,

      I don’t want you to end up lonely!

      I believe, if Jesus were here, he’d tell us to do two things whenever we feel lonely.

      First, he would say, “Live with yourself differently.”

      Sometimes Barb takes the kids and drives to her folks’ place in the KC area, for a few days.

      And suddenly, I come home from work, and there’s QUIET. There’s no one around [except Jessie]. And I ask myself, “Now what do I do?” I can fiddle around on the computer. I can work out at the gym. I can watch ESPN. I can even play golf. But when I do all those things, the question still remains: “NOW what do I do?”

      And isn’t Jesus asking us to ask ourselves, even when the schedule is full, even when the kids are running all over the house: “NOW what do I do?”

      Look inside yourself, and you’ll know the answer.

      You were NOT meant to be just a son or daughter, or a husband or wife, or a mom or a dad. You were meant, first and foremost, to be a child of God.

      In the quiet, when you can hear the clock on the wall ticking: is that not the time to really connect with the “Father”?

      This is one of my favorite “pack” pictures.

      It was a nap time with Emma.

      When you’re lonely, when it’s quiet—isn’t that the time when you can curl up in the recliner with that Parent, and imagine the arm around you?

      When it’s quiet, isn’t that the time to have a “nap-chat” with the One who will never leave you?

      “Dad, I’m confused. I don’t know what to do.”

      “I don’t understand why I keep making the same mistakes over and over.”

      “I’m scared—I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

      “I love you. You’ve always been there for me, even when I didn’t know it. Thank you, Lord.”

      “I love you. You guide me in ways I would have never dreamed of. Thank you, Lord.”

      What do you say to your Father, in the recliner, when the world is quiet?

      It’s only when the world is quiet that you hear the words forming in your soul—and that you hear the Father’s reply, just for you. 

      Some folks learn the value of alone-ness very early in life.

      Glenn Hinson grew up in a broken home in the Ozarks.

      He said that loneliness really struck him when he was 8 years old. That’s when his parents divorced, and his only brother was taken to be raised by his aunt and uncle.

      In his words,

      “My dad’s departure signaled the continuance of a long loneliness, my brother’s about a year later tore my heart asunder anew. I say continuance because embarrassment about my dad’s alcoholism and the yelling, cursing, and fighting it generated had already opened a chasm between me and the world around me. All I could discern in my loneliness was excruciating pain.” [Weavings, 3-4/05, pp. 17-18]

      His mom re-married a couple of years later. He slowly developed a good relationship with his step dad. And then, after a few years, another divorce, and that relationship was gone.

      As he grew up, he clung to God. He kept going to the recliner. He told the Father about the heartache of the broken and betrayed relationships. And he found that eventually the loneliness with his human relationships fostered a divine companionship.  When he read Jesus’ harsh sounding words that you heard today, he said it was like Jesus talking directly to him:

“Don’t make idols of your parents!...However well intended, they will oftentimes let you down…Strengthen relationship with them, rather, with trust in the One who will not let you down!”

      No wonder he would call his youthful loneliness a “crucible of grace.”

      Our pack can be enriching.

      Our pack can also let us down.

      Loneliness can be accidental.

      Being alone can be intentional.

      Regardless how you get away from the pack, go to the recliner.

To paraphrase Jesus, “Whoever does not take the [loneliness] of the cross and follow me is not worthy of me.”

      I think Jesus would say that loneliness is an opportunity to live with yourself differently.

      I also think he would say it’s an opportunity for you to live with others differently.

      You know, I wonder if sometimes when we say “I love you…,” we add unconsciously, “…because I need you.”

      When Jessie follows us around, do you think she’s thinking, “I love you, I love you, I love you”? Nope. She’s thinking, “Food? Food? Food?”

       “Love” and “need,” “love” and “dependency,” sometimes get mixed up.

“True” love is what you give, without expecting anything in return. And that only comes when you depend on God for protection, security, companionship. You put those basic needs into God’s hands, and THEN you’re free to love more like Christ loves:  relating to another person unselfishly, unconditionally.

      If we expect our pack to fulfill us and take care of us, we can never be free to fully love.

      Only GOD fulfills us, takes care of us.

      AND ONLY WHEN WE CAN BE COMFORTABLE BEING ALONE WITH OUR GOD—ONLY WHEN WE CAN BE COMFORTABLE BEING ALONE WITH OURSELVES: CAN WE THEN LOVE OTHERS UNSELFISHLY, UNCONDITIONALLY.

      An elderly woman had lost her beloved husband of 50 years. After he died, she was lost, depressed, lonely. Her grieving lasted almost 5 years. Her granddaughter dutifully visited her regularly, and always found her in this sad state.

      Then, one day when she dropped by, her grandmother was a different person. Warm, radiant, smiling. She explained that something had happened the night before. Here’s what she said to her granddaughter:

      “Last night, [in the quiet, I discovered] why God took your grandfather and left me behind to live without him.

      "Your grandfather knew that the secret of life is love, and he lived it every day…Last night I found out that I was left behind…so that I too could turn my life into love…You can't learn the lesson out there,” [[she pointed to the sky]]. “Love has to be lived here on earth. Once you leave, it's too late. So I was given the gift of life so that I can learn to live love here and now."

      This wonderful woman lived 12 more years, vibrant and alive. As she lay dying in the hospital, her nurse said, "Your grandmother is a very special lady, you know… she's a light." [Chicken Soup, 2^nd Helping, pp. 60-61]

      Jesus once looked at us and said, “YOU are the light of the world.”

      When we dare break away from the pack from time to time and get up in the recliner, that’s when we’re able to shine the brightest—because that’s when we’re able to go back and love the best.

      When Jesus said those harsh words in Matthew about bringing not peace but a sword, he said them because he didn’t want us to end up lonely.

      Our pack will not always be with us. We will face quiet rooms at home, and the table for one in the restaurant.

      But don’t be afraid!

      Remember what Jesus promised, 18 chapters later, in the very last words of Matthew’s Gospel:

“Be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age." 

--Matthew 28:20